digging in my heels and facing the world head on.
It is time for the walls to come crashing down, hopefully though not around my ears. While it may have taken the Israelites seven days to take down the walls of Jerico, physical walls may be easier than the wall I've built around my heart. But as a man who is not only an example to me, but a friend as well pointed out, walls work not only to keep hurtful things out (here I thought he would go with the cliche term of "not letting good things in" but instead he said) but would keep me from giving aid and companionship to those people who are in the exact situation I'm in. I want to help, but the walls are too high for me to realize what I truly need to do.
Bold words wrtten, but how bold will I be when I must be toe to toe with my greatest enemy, more pain. I was raised by a man, who was a soldier, and he was raised by a soldier and so on, I can count the times I've cried. Three. The first I was in first grade and a older kid tormented me, so I decked him. I didn't cry when I hit, I cried when my parents explained what a horrible thing I had done. Wall #1 is up and operational, lesson? Ignore personal suffering as to not make others suffer. The second time I was justified, my dog was ran over in our own driveway by a lady my older sister was babysitting for. Wall #2 Lesson? Don't get attatched to anyone or anything, then you can't be ripped away from it. The third time I cried was this summer, my parents announced what I had expected for years, the divorce. I cried because my younger sister would have to suffer so much. Wall #3 and the lesson? Don't let anyone be close, don't trust even those who are suppose to be closest to you. Those are the time I have cried for anything. I am unnaproachable, other walls have sprung up each more solid than the last, and I am cought inside desperately looking for a way to escape.
I am searching for support, searching for ways to force the walls to crumble to dust. There will always be some walls, but with any luck and alot of work some gates should allow safe passage both ways. Both to let me show more emotion, and to let others communicate to me. I hope I get over laughing at my problems. I can laugh at anything, but I know that while I can get others to laugh, it's never as funny as it should be to me. Never let life hit you while you're down, make sure to knock the lights out of it and go down with your boots on. I mean to go down fighting if I go down at all.
Here's to life, since it knocked me out in round one, may the Lord have mercy on it because now it has to survive two more rounds with me and I don't intend to loose.
With my boots still on.
Tim Lyons