Dear XXXXXXX

Why is everything so natural when we're together, yet so awkward as soon as the phone touches my ear. I can't read you, see your reactions, can't see you smile through the damned thing. Why can't I hear you smile? Are you excited when you see my name appear, or does a small frown appear on realizing that we are still apart. I hate this feeling, this unknown that looms over everything I do. I often wonder if this is the way, the path we need to be on, or should we separate the world between us?

 I was told you were high risk for me. Undoubtedly true, yet this risk I was willing to take, is it wrong to question, to wonder if what I decided will leave me wounded in a whole new way? My strength comes from my defeats, my challenges, yet I think there is a point where the trade-off becomes unbalanced. Why do I have these thoughts, why is the worst option always the first to mind.

 I want to trust you, my heart tells me there is no other way, my head tells me no way in hell. I want to be with you, my heart tells me there can be nothing wrong with this, my logic tells me that this can not be. I sink everything into trying to make us work, my heart is already beyond recall, but my sense tells me ready myself for the inevitable aftermath. Trust is far too easy to lose, and far to hard to earn, and I have so little left that I hoard it, unwilling to give it, yet my nature is opposed to this. I want to trust you again, I want to throw myself into this again, I want nothing more than this, nothing more.

Maybe there is nothing more and I've deceived myself, desired it so strongly, that I've created an illusion which envelops my emotion grasp on things. My mind is harder to fool.....