So big conclusion, it's important for me to remember. Need to get this down, I won't forget, even without, I won't forget this.....ever.

I had a plan, it was smooth, daring, romantic and classy. I got a nice room with a great view, jacuzzi in the bedroom, brought champaign, even set roses out. It was wonderful, I figured it would work. Dinner at a nice little restaurant, shared desert, even started the evening with a kiss. All according to plan, in a way. I didn't think I'd be willing to put this much effort into, not after last time. Not after that.

Dinner went well, she was surprised. It was all according to plan. Jacuzzi was filled, and we had some PG-13ish fun. Then we got out, I got her a glass of bubbly, and we started to talk again. Serious talk, I don't do serious, it's a defense thing. Serious means I need to lighten the mood, I didn't. We talked about distance and us. How we were, how we would be. I hate serious talk.

Too "goal oriented", that's me, she's not, at all. Very Zen, very sure that fate plays an active role in the world. I believe that bad things happen to good people because somewhere along the line someone stood by and let something happen. She still believes that bad things happen to good people due to the fact that they can handle it. They can't, I've seen too many good people break. I hate it, hate being there, hate not being able to protect them and shoulder it myself. Protect, so hard.

We talked about us, we both want it, we do. 5 years, it's a long time, just long enough, I forgave, took almost that whole time, but I did. Forgive and forget, I don't forget....ever. Forgive, maybe, forgetting is self inflicted openings to be taken advantage of. Never forget. 5 years, and we finally get to the point we're supposed to be at, almost. She can't be certain she'll stay faithful. I don't struggle, it's not my nature. I have self control that would make Siddhartha envious. So she can't be certain, but she's honest.

Is it wrong that I feel a small pain inside every time she talks about a boy she's been with? Seems childish right? I think so, but part of me, small, subconscious, tiny, is envious that he knows a side, I will never see. Every man owns a small claim in her, that she will never be free of. It felt like they were taking a small piece of something I was supposed to protect a cherish, but I failed, utterly and completely.

Funny, how I can somehow turn someone else's self admitted faults into my own. I know I couldn't have protected someone who didn't want it, there I stand. We talked about how hard this distance would be, hard is an understatement. I found it, hated it, knew exactly what my options were if I truly cared for this girl. I make myself almost smile even now, "if" I care for her. I can't fool myself.

Option one, I let her go hoping she'll find the maturity and help she needs and eventually if it's what is right, it will work. Option 2, try it now when it's almost assured to fail in the long run. Either way I run the risk of losing her. I hate being mature.