grasping at my own mortality
Recently a person I knew, not too well, committed suicide. While nothing in my personal life was affected it really got me to start thinking about my own mortality. I really am just a speck in the wind like everyone else on the planet. I have a hard time thinking that life is really that short and can be taken away with a single decision. Why would anytone voluntarily choose to end their life. Is it because their life is more miserable than others? For some reason I don't believe that, and I don't believe that it's a lack of will power either because people choose how much will power they have. So what the heck goes through a persons head when they decide to end it all. They certainly aren't thinking of those around them because suicide is one of the most selfish hurtful things a person can do. They rob others of the chance to know them and impact them in a deep way.
It doens't make sense to me. I understand pain at deep levels but I just cannot contemplate ending my already very short life in a manner like that. It brings me to grip with how very fragile the human race is, and also has me wondering why we don't do more for those that need help or even friends. There is a level of responsibility on both sides but I still can't help thinking that maybe zI could have done something. "What ifs?" fill my head but logic dictates that there was nothing I could have done. I didn't know him, we were on two totaly different levels of people, and we really didn't get along. But I still feel remorse for parting with a person without a certain level of friendship, or at least not at odds.
It's a disturbing feeling, thinking of how short my life could be. The thing I dislike most is looking back with regret, in fact I dislike just looking back. Looking forward is good but can I go through life without looking back? Well I think i'll have to struggle with reality a bit more.