I guess it always comes down to this. Just sitting down and thinking about my past. The people I've loved and lost. It's been a great couple of years, and it's also been pretty rough. I just wonder how much I could have done differently. I've been in college, I've been in love, I've lost my mother (relationship, not death) I've gained something I've been after for 20 years. That one moment choked me up more than anything ever has.
My father said he was proud of me, he said he admired what I was doing, that he loved me and that he was proud. I've worked for that as far back as I can remember. It's amazing what a father saying those words can do. I didn't think I needed it anymore, I thought I had given up on ever hearing those words, but they came at last.
Don't get me wrong, our relationship has been getting better over the years. He stopped drinking heavely when I was twelve or so. His temper also started decreasing a few years later. He started making attempts to do things with me, I jumped at the chance, and it's been getting better ever since.
My parents finally got the divorce that has been happening since I was in elementary school, and I can tell you that was a long time ago. While I realize that this is a natural course of events in America now, it still cost me my relationship with my mother. She decided that the best way to hurt my father was to attack me. It was then I realized that cutting out a person like that was the only way to stop the disease from spreading. Maybe years from now, maybe.
I fell in love, and it came out at Christmas, and even though it ended up horribly, I'm still in love, but now I don't know what with. Is it the idea? Or is it just her, or is it the idea I have of who she is. Either way, tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. True words, not right after it happened, but time mostly heals all. I say mostly because of course nothing like that ever heals all the way.
I kept friendships I thought were doomed to failure. I know now that I've made those friends that will never leave me. Those friends who will drive thousands of miles to come to my rescue, and friends I would drive thousands of miles to save. Those people who, even though I'm seperated by thousands of miles, will always be close enough to get me through whatever comes.
I failed a couple courses in college, were they hard? Hell no, did I attend class, again.... It taught me a lesson though, and I've changed my habits. I now have a career, a future and something that makes me feel like I make a difference in the world.
So how does the year balance out? I loved, I lost, I loved I lost, I love and keep. So, that's three loves and two losses. Not a bad tally.